i used to be excited for what’s next

I saw a girl today
trying on an outfit for her first day of work.
She looked so alive.

The kind of alive that only comes
when everything feels like it might begin again.

And I remembered —
there was a time
when I felt that too.

When the unknown didn’t feel like a monster.
It felt like a door.
A possibility. A portal.
The beginning of something I couldn’t wait to meet.

Back then, even a secondhand book sale
felt like a place where my whole life might change.

But now…
I hesitate.
I brace.
I overthink.
I freeze.

I look at the future like a threat.
Like it’s waiting to disappoint me.
Like it’s something I have to survive — not something I get to step into.

I don’t know when that shift happened.
But I miss the version of me who was still excited
to see what might unfold.

Maybe I’ll try putting on the outfit
I wore to my first day of work.
Maybe I’ll wear her energy for a while —
and see if the spark remembers how to find me.

✧ quiet prompt:

What was the last new thing you looked forward to — not feared?

🌒 next layer:

→ read: when wonder gets replaced by anticipation anxiety → chapter: underneath